Libido and How to Hack It
Many of us have a fixed mindset when it comes to libido: it either exists or it doesn’t, it’s either high or low, it’s either enough or it’s not. All too often this is paired with a longing for the “honeymoon period” or new relationship energy, when partners cite having an insatiable appetite for one another. Other people may feel this nostalgia is hard to relate to, and find the desire for desire to be an unfamiliar concept which leaves many asking the question “am I normal?”
If you’ve read our blog on Desire Discrepancies, you will now be familiar with the importance of the story we tell ourselves regarding our own desire for sexual intimacy. Shame, blame and guilt aren’t sexy contents for you to be able to enter a relaxed and open minded place whether you’re seeking pleasure by yourself or with a partner.
A Note on Asexuality
It is important to mention that “hacking” libido is not something you need to do, it is not a necessity for a deep and thriving relationship nor is it a part of you that is missing or at fault. Wherever a person lands on the spectrum of desire is entirely right if it feels true to them. To explore this further, we recommend speaking with a sex therapist, or reading Ace: What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen.
As much as we would like to tell you there is a straight forward answer as to why you may be experiencing low desire for sex, it can oftentimes be a combination of factors across three overlapping domains. Individual, interpersonal, and sociocultural factors each contribute to a person’s degree of desire and continue fluctuating across the lifespan. Understanding this holistic approach to libido may broaden the ways in which we hope to address it, or it may offer you some self compassion regarding how you arrived in this place
The lists below are the work of Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy and Dr. Jessica Vencill in their book Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships. As you read through these, note how you feel, including which factors surprised you, which factors may need to be added to the list in order to be unique to you, which factors may have changed in recent months and which have been present for many years. You may also notice many factors may overlap across the three domains as well, demonstrating again how nuanced libido can be.
These factors tend to be some of the first aspects people consider when trying to understand why their libido sits where it does, and it is valuable to note that each factor has its own sliding scale as well. For example, one’s experience can vary immensely during pregnancy, when experiencing grief, or during periods of high stress. What may be inhibitory for one person would be excitatory for another, and people can experience the same factor oscillating between the two as circumstances and other factors change.
• Medications
• Medical conditions or illnesses
• Physical limitations
• Chronic pain and/or fatigue
• Sexual/genital pain
• Pregnancy and postpartum
• Physical activity
• Sleep
• Hormones
• Menstrual cycle
• Cancer and cancer treatment
• Aging
• Malnutrition/food insecurity
• Sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
• Alcohol and other substances
• The stress response
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Performance anxiety
• Trauma
• Body image
• Grief and loss
• Sensory sensitivities (e.g., sensitivity to smell, touch)
• Miscarriage
• Sexual shame or guilt
• Gender dysphoria
• Sexual interests and preferences
Our relationships with other people can have a substantial impact on how much desire a person has capacity for, and that includes all the people we have contact with. Although we may believe the only interpersonal/relational factor to consider is the dynamic between us and our sexual partners, there can be a wider sphere of influence to look at here. The relational dynamics we have with colleagues, family members, friends, and children can also affect how valued we feel as a person, as well as how safe we feel with others in general.
• Relationship concerns
• Communication style and effectiveness
• Parenting stressors
• Workplace stress or conflict
• Friendship and/or family difficulties
• Emotional labour and mental load imbalances between partners
These will include the overall messaging you received in regard to sex and desire, namely how you were taught (overtly or covertly) about who is allowed or encouraged to be sexual, the ways in which a person must demonstrate or suppress that sexuality and under what circumstances, if any, sexual desire is “appropriate” or “acceptable”. These factors also cover how culture, religion, institutions and systems can influence
• Sexual Education
• Heteronormativity
• Compulsory sexuality
• Oppression and discrimination
• Racism and white supremacy
• Transphobia
• Homophobia
• Biphobia/binegativity
• Ableism
• Misogyny and sexism
• Religious values and beliefs
• Food insecurity and poverty
• Media
• Politics
