Navigating the complex landscape of endometriosis can be a solitary and arduous journey. Long wait times for surgery, difficulty finding the right specialist, and debilitating pain can take a toll on both physical and emotional well-being. Setbacks, such as the return of symptoms after treatment, or an update from your practitioner can be particularly disheartening. Endometriosis also poses unique challenges within romantic and sexual relationships, necessitating open communication, adaptability, and a collaborative mindset from those involved.
The Impact of Endometriosis on Relationships
As is the case with many physical and mental health challenges that impact relationships (such as grief, job loss, fertility treatment, substance use, anxiety, etc), endometriosis can significantly affect each partner in different ways, and also their relationship overall. There is no doubt that endo can have a profound effect on a person’s emotional wellbeing, bodily autonomy, and experience of pleasure and touch. It can also shape their interactions with healthcare providers, friends, and partners, often leading to feelings of frustration and disappointment.
Partners of those with endometriosis may experience a range of emotions, including helplessness, worry, and fear for their loved one's health and happiness. Witnessing their partner's suffering can be distressing, and they may feel a sense of guilt or frustration about their inability to alleviate the pain.
Similar to other forms of chronic illness or persistent pain, endometriosis may strain relationships by altering dynamics, highlighting underlying communication issues, and creating tension. A common pattern is one partner adopting a solution-oriented approach, suggesting ways to ‘fix’ or alleviate pain. While well-intentioned, this can make the person with endometriosis feel like a problem to be solved rather than a person to be empathised with.
Another common pattern is when the supporting partner downplays their own issues, worries or fears in order to protect their loved one. Often this will sound like “I know they have a lot on their plate” or “My stress is minor in comparison to endo.” While this may seem selfless, it can lead to feelings of isolation and resentment. Open and honest communication is crucial for both partners to express their feelings and continue supporting one another. Everyone deserves to be heard and validated, and comparison can hinder this process.
What I Said Versus What You Heard: The Importance of Empathy
In relationships, misunderstandings can arise due to differences in perception. What one partner intends to say or do may be interpreted differently by the other. This can lead to hurt feelings, resentment, and a breakdown in communication.
When navigating the challenges of endometriosis in a relationship, it's crucial to practise empathy and try to see things from your partner's perspective. If your partner is struggling with pain or fatigue, their responses may be influenced by these factors. Instead of taking their actions personally, try to understand the underlying reasons. If you find yourself needing reassurance that their behaviour is due to their pain and not a reaction to something you’ve done, don’t hesitate to ask.
For example, if a partner with endometriosis says, "I'm feeling really down today. The pain is unbearable," and the supporting partner responds with, "Don't worry, you'll feel better tomorrow. Just try to stay positive," the supporting partner may have meant well, but the response can be perceived as dismissive or invalidating. The partner with endometriosis might feel unheard and misunderstood.
To foster deeper understanding, both partners can try to look for the intention behind the words. The supporting partner might have meant to offer encouragement and hope. However, it's important to consider how the message is received. We often trust that our partners have our best interests at heart, and it's okay to directly communicate your understanding of their words. When both partners actively seek to understand each other's intentions, communication can deepen and strengthen the relationship. This can lead to more open and honest conversations, where both partners feel heard and understood.
Endometriosis and Sexual Intimacy
Endometriosis can significantly impact partners and their sex lives, with sexual intimacy often leading to physical pain and emotional distress for the person with endo, as well as worry or concern from the supporting partner. This can create feelings of isolation, shame, guilt, and inadequacy for either partner, and leads many people to avoid the topic of sex entirely.
When it comes to sexual intimacy, it's helpful to prioritise pleasure and connection rather than following a predetermined script. This holds true across all genders, abilities, health conditions, age, body type, etc. Instead of feeling pressured to conform to societal expectations or engage in certain activities, focus on what feels pleasurable for both you and your partner. If penetrative sex has historically been in the spotlight of your sex life, you are encouraged to explore different forms of intimacy, such as cuddling, massage, sending sexy photos to one another or showering together.
When it comes to sexual intimacy, prioritising pleasure and connection is key, rather than following a predetermined script for how sex is ‘supposed to be’. This applies to everyone, regardless of gender, ability, health condition, age, or body type. Instead of feeling pressured to conform to societal expectations or engage in specific activities, focus on what feels good for you and your partner. If penetrative sex has been the primary focus, consider exploring other forms of intimacy like cuddling, massage, sexting, or shared showers.
Nourishing the Relationship
To maintain a healthy and fulfilling relationship in the face of endometriosis, partners need to actively work on nurturing their connection. Here are some tips:
By focusing on collaboration, practising empathy, and actively nurturing your relationship, you can navigate the challenges of endometriosis and build a strong and enduring bond.
